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“There is brown in my rainbow”

I remember my nephew painting and using brown in his rainbow.  I remember thinking how wonderful it was to just accept that sometimes there just is brown in my rainbow; that life is this way.

Mothers Day is coming up.   I often do the right thing and send flowers to my Mother on this day; feeling it is good for her to feel great and receive them.

I have stood at the stores with cards and picked thru them, reading them, and noticed my reaction.  “Thanks for always being there”, “You were always loving”, “I want to be like you”.   Nope, nope, nope.   Where is the card that says “You did the best you could” or “Thanks for trying”?

Now years later I teach expecting Moms and watch their own reactions; slate is clean and they work so hard to do the opposite of what they experienced and want to be perfect.   Then they see what is like to be a Mom and suddenly catch themselves sounding just like their Mother or Grandmother.

To my point though –  I think we often judge and that it is easy to sit back do this – as we all do.   So easy to look away from myself and see another persons problems; never using compassion that they too have some brown in their rainbow.  Even as a teacher I see this.   It isn’t easy speaking, standing up in-front of others and being ready for the next step.  Being aware though of our own reaction is the start.  We don’t find peace by pushing or tossing away.

Mom’s too are often are judged.  Watch a tired Mom in line at the grocery store with her screaming kids and you know what I mean.   I’m not saying that we need to forget a persons actions.  Yet I can’t hold onto that, react to negative feelings and let it become me.  We learn in yoga it is more “un-doing” than doing; that undoing is getting to our true self.    Over time I had to take my own responsibility and not blame others.  It is very much like a mummy and we are unwrapping the layers to get to the real person inside.

That real person includes my Mom.  I have seen so many sides to her now over time.  I have assisted her in a path without drugs or alcohol but unfortunately now she is in  a long term home for many health problems.   In cleaning out her house my siblings and I brought items to our homes to keep.  This past that I inherited gave me a chance to see it differently.  Those items aren’t just hers but now to make my own; create my future with them. After all, those are just items, things – the emotion behind it comes from something else.

My Mother is a person and a woman; as she kindly reminded me recently when I was cleaning out her house and found items to reflect this.  She isn’t perfect and I forgive her for her mistakes.  Now I focus on what good she did; what she was able to give.

She taught me to love music, books, take care of myself and about art.   Even if she didn’t practice these items she showed them to me.  Somehow in the middle of all the craziness growing up in that home, this happened.

After her rehab I told her that I wasn’t interested in being what everyone thought we should be for a Mother and Daughter.  I was happy enough to just be honest and be friends.   Now when we could loose her I am realizing how much I will just miss telling her about my struggles.  She could never do more than listen but maybe that was enough.

After all  – we all do the best we can.

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.”  Oprah Winfrey

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