Shame... such a notable experience. When you can confront the feeling and say "hi" to the experience, it is such a big step . It isn't easy to overcome. Furthermore letting yourself be exposed to ridicule or judgement is a big part of also observing that you may have been the bigger judge all along.
The feeling of shame shows up subconsciously in our daily life and is conditioned down to us; learned behavior. Good news then! Means it can be unlearned. It will take work though. I know it all too well as I certainly had the shame of admitting much about myself till I received help.
I was raised with an abusive alcoholic Mom and a chronically depressed Father. The feeling of safety in my home was never there. My Mom especially conditioned me into feeling shame for my body, shape and feelings. It has taken me a long time to allow myself to feel it is ok to express my anger. Instead I was taught to hold the veil behind my home-life and act as if all was ok. I also wanted to escape from that world, so going to school I didn't want to talk about it more. It didn't end with that relationship though and I found myself used to addicted people and it took me till I was about 30 years old to see the habit I had. I took care of people and didn't like to say "no". I was dependable and loyal; I was a good girl. Trained to be this way even if I wasn't being treated this way in return. It took a long time to do more than simply see my actions but take action.
It felt selfish at first, I will be honest, sometimes still feel this way. But I did discover it was my thoughts of shame. Walking away from abusers for fear they wouldn't have anyplace to go simply wasn't true. Instead I found myself... my true self and found relationships that were healthier and there for me. Yoga came into my life and I found myself learning about words like 'true self' and following my natural path in life (Dharma). It came from the yoga practice that allowed me to examine my habits and acknowledge my initial reaction. Over time able to shift thoughts into compassion and love I was able to let go of the shame; to see clearly that I am good enough just as I am.
Seem like a stretch for you? Because you thought yoga was about placing your body into impossible poses? It wasn't about that. Sure some do achieve this but some don't. The point is that we often hold ourselves back from what we can do and do the same when we can't; shame shows up in both forms. Yoga, even those crazy positions, shows us our reaction and allows us to make a mental connection to our body. Being able to say "hi" to the experience is a big step to take and during it you may find yourself seeing that you were being the judge the entire time. Nobody else really cared as much as you did. There is freedom in this kind of yoga practice.
I hope to see you online where you can find your own personal freedom. See why it is important to leave your bubble and be with other healthy like minded people.
I honestly hope to see you log on to a class and if not....
...be sure to "Have a good day for no reason!"
---Paige